I  decided to crawl from out of my man cave of worthless material to talk about something I saw at a nearby thrift store that made me drop my jaw…

That’s right. A Seinfeld screensaver. Most people would merely laugh at the concept and walk away, thinking it too ridiculous to bring to the cashier. I actually did leave, but was compelled to return. I simply could not believe of it’s existence.

As I made my way back home with it, I wondered to myself how much could this have been sold for. Ten… Twenty… Maybe even thirty dollars? Luckily my copy was about a dollar, but I still don’t feel like it was money well spent. Because it honestly wasn’t.

I popped the disc into my computer and much to my surprise, the software that was designed for windows 3.1 and windows 95 actually installed fine on a current system. It seems nothing could stop me from witnessing the horror. I was first touched by it’s evil on the May 24 weekend… The alleged end of the world. While the event proved to be a giant load a shit for many, my world came crashing down anyway.

I loaded up the day planner…

This was it. Just a calendar that plays a Seinfeld clip every time you select a day. The clips vary in length from about thirty seconds to two minutes and they all compile to about an hour and a half worth of footage. Some of the pieces directly connecting but most of them being completely random. Not to mention that the compression quality could’ve made it’s way home on the Sega Cd. It was around the time that George lifelessly stared into my eyes, wearing his prescription swimming goggles, that I realized I was wasting my life…

What amazed me more was the inclusion of a detailed episode guide. Now keep in mind this program was released roughly halfway through Seinfeld’s run, meaning that this program was designed to be outdated mere months after it shipped. Too bad it doesn’t have DLC.

As I cycled through the various screens and looked at all the help menus (none of which pick a consistent format or font) I realized that this program seemed very familiar to me. Then it hit me. I flashed back to my high school programming class where I was learning the basics of Visual Basic. Let me be blunt about the fact that I’m no programmer, I’m not terribly skilled in that area and I just don’t have a knack for it overall.

Having said that, it is with no exaggeration that with my almost non-existent skillset I could program this Seinfeld screensaver/planner with relative ease in an afternoon. Once I realized that I finally knew for a fact, that this “Byron Press Multimedia” did not give a fuck in the slightest.

But given what they were selling, and the presumption that rock stupid Seinfeld fans bought this, it makes me wonder why they bothered putting anything on the disc at all. It still beats shit like ‘Virtual VCR’ that served no purpose whatsoever. What kind of an achievement is that?

I couldn’t stop here, I had to see this screen saver in action. I had to fuck about with my computer to get the screen saver to show up at first. Initially it’s just the Seinfeld logo bouncing off the walls of your monitor while the theme song plays. However the instruction manual says that you can compile 5 of the random ass clips that were in the day planner to make your very own custom screen saver that you can show to all your family, and have no way of muting the theme song.

So after much deliberation I present to you the withered fruit of my efforts…

Beautiful… Isn’t it?